7 sins
¿Should I keep playing?
I’m the 8th.
I want to taste my freedom, feel it with my own hands, hear what it sounds like, see what it causes, smell the scent it releases.
Crimes I commit.
Vices and Temptations.
I’m no angel.
Vices and Temptations.
7 deadly sins.
Death is only fate.
Moksha.
“Vices and Virtues.”
My father talks about them in a way that reflects he was young once and he remembers, he tries to guide me around making his same mistakes.
Twice.
All the way in, I’m not marking anything.
The women in my life had said to let myself be loved.
And I’m the commune type.
Full out, giving it all.
Cards on the table, losing means there’s more to play still.
I must know my limitations and how far my vigor goes.
Nobody gets to have me until I’ve casted and tried it.
I know I inherited tools, but I want to find out.
A posteriori, through experience.
Then, I feel like my grandfather, back to the beginning again, perhaps just like hii ojisan.
The first born successor of 3 generations of first-born-men.
I’m the 4th now. First of woman.
I think they know what I’m bound to do.
All my feminine energetic power fueled by their male confidence resourced.
Wonder if it’s clear what my worst felony has been.
A constellation to observe, solidify, integrate.
Stubborn and stuck in proving what’s obvious- ¿how far can one go until life forces a stop?
I know they know that there’s nothing to do. Nor do I think they would ever force me to give up the urge to test the waters.
Though I am warned of the danger of temptation and irrationality.
Unconventional mentality, embodier of the profane, the vulgar, the political; all while border-lining a tiny mini pawn.
They have tried- to know exactly what I’m up to, or attempt to figure out where I’m prone to fuel a fire.
Bending rules and standing liminal.
Ojiisan taught me to be the same authentic person, no matter what role I am playing or where I am.
Shameless, it made me.
Truthful even when it’s taboo.
Visibly open in my home life, simply because they see themselves through my inability to conceal and hide; my mirrored actions and the lack of fucks to give when I think I’m right.
Uncensored and real raw.
No one has corrupted that, even if they tried.
What I learn is in the eye now, that’s the danger of knowledge.
Perception is awareness is consciousness.
I am not a killer, but I desire to prove my ancestral status.
Will not let identity politics chain my desires away, do not even care to know how I ought to behave.
I have a will to liquidate, and my gender doesn’t matter, I know what is mine.
All I got to say is that I recognize the stories of the places where people alchemize their lives.
Before I could write.
I’ve witnessed the strategic ability to manipulate life.
I’ve experienced the rewards of knowing family affairs and the history.
Full of firsts, always number one of the one.
I am as free as they’ve been. I am as determined to breathe that dreamer life.
This is not about morality, it’s about life and being.
The first born great grand child, my heavy head with its innate crown.
Sacred nepotism.
I’ve only known it as inherently mine.
Outsiders think I’m acting out, it’s just my bloodline cashing mine.
A vulva only grants me more, no chance to break a lioness, drilling enchanting spells with my mouth.
It’s the way I learn that life itself is an art.
No need to pretend she ought to fall in line. Impossible to try.
Diligence to know the price of what I reclaim, Murakami style.
I’m a devoted spiritualist, thus I know sin is only mine.
Taming is not for the wild.
Nature or nurture, either way wasn’t in my cards.
Defiance is a reward.
Taught to analyze, listen, and dissect instinctively.
You earn what you can debate.
Devilish as a mutable state and I vow to G life is a spiral.
I came here to die.
A stone that I work until it’s polished and imaged.
Geometry that I learn, rules that I trial, apply if successful.
Practices I’ve developed over time.
I take the credit for choosing, the influence is of my kin.
Letter by letter, eye for an eye.
It’s by the book not my rule; Which is why I never bend to dodge the incarnation cross. That’s how blessed the bullets that travel by me are.
Key around my neck, I remember the time.
It’s not violence, it’s the causation of life.
Perhaps, what my ancestors gave me was only my life.
I’m not staying anywhere without floating through the spheres.
I am your mirror, beware of your play.
Don’t think much about the consequences of shooting at my sea.
You’re living inside of me.
If I die you die, but if you hit I don’t get harmed.
Intimidating as I ought.
If I ride, your life is on the line, but I’m not in danger. You might.
Can’t know myself if I haven’t met my demons, won’t know my power if I haven’t had to work it.
Danger must be persistent, tension must build up, I’ll warn you now and you won’t find out until we’re close.
Nothing is free, so make sure you earn it all.
Sinner because this is my life.
Knowing what to do with all the possibilities is a skill to be developed.
I am utterly messy with this quest, as I do not limit my desires… only the abuse of power.
Yet, my choice is my responsibility and the consequence shouldn’t stop me, unless I do not wish to pay.
The secret to it all is knowing when to stop, is learning your limits, is pushing yourself to be stronger and not weaker. Vulnerable but not fragile, though we are very much delicate in a world so sharp.
I have killed without wishing to, I have been stabbed till my mind reset itself back to the start.
I don’t wish to be consumed by my vices, but I have given into them in the past.
I claimed that it was healing, but it might’ve been pride.
An ego death… not because my ego died, but because it drove me to the precipice.
Try if you dare, dare if you can.
I drive it till it crashes, to find out and to see, how far it will take me until it falls apart.
Have learned to keep the end in mind, but still, I am not bound by the limits of made up laws.
If it brings me to conclusion and my life turns immaterial, that was fate and the consequence of having lived the carnal life.
When I’m no longer physical, this might be the reason, but how could it not when it’s my destiny.
Sinner and hedonistic, fault me if I’m corrupt but not if it’s simply living.
No remorse, I’m not guilty of anything but brutal honesty.
Evil, selfish and self centered.
Wanting to always be right.
Dominant and unable to hide my annoyance.
Don’t even think about it if you’re bound to lose.
Compensating with perfectionism.
Silly jokes were never my taste, especially if they’re stupid.
Narcissistic traits, at fault for feeling superior, though I know it’s artificial.
Can’t help the more I know.
Corrupt fucking world.
I give in to love and then my lack of trust destroys.
False narratives that buy into privilege, I’m deviant and incredibly strong with my moral compass.
All abuse their power, ¿do you regulate it?
Check your colonial complex,
and then check your ego; which is enforced by our society, but it’s not exclusive to our century problems.
I’m sorry, for being egotistical and egocentric.
For being absorbed by my own mind and for assuming my body to be the blueprint of what outside looks like.
For forgetting to give back the grace that others have granted me.
Sorry to my ancestors for the values I’ve lost and the traits I’ve devalued.
I apologize for all the hurt and the way I disregard the issues that I don’t face.
I am deeply sorry, for my inability to be responsive and readily connected to my community the way they once were, for the ways I no longer live in connection with my roots.
I am sorry to everyone before me, for I’m sure they relied on their village through support systems and they survived by them alike; for I was given tools that they worked to give me, but they never had. And though they wished to leave a place for me to land, it has stripped me of their struggle the same way they know it.
I have become so absorbed by what I claim and I expect, I take it for granted when nobody owes me anything.
That I recognize- from my history, as much as I was taught that you own what you’ve worked, you get what you’ve been given.
Power means you’ve learned to take what you want, manifesting greed.
Use it wisely and don’t hoard it, unless you wish to be beheaded.
Worse than that, if you wish to afflict your life by abandoning love and forgetting the other.
Only way to not hex yourself is to pour back into your community to remember where it came from; the one who uplifted you when you were depleted, who gave you fertility when you were bound to die, who gave you love expecting nothing in return, who had consideration for you while you only had pity to give, who believed in your friendship while you had less than kindness.
I recognize that part of inheriting virtues and ripping the fruits of what I was endowed, means that I was asked to look forward from my start point.
User and abuser.
Of the truth and the ways that my family tree put me at the checkered board.
Already ahead, it’s not a drug.
Enhanced but not high enough to forget there’s a ground.
I wish to find out what more I can grab, the way all the prodigy men did, now it’s my turn.
Not to compete, for they provided my throne, but to sin like the rest of humanity in a saturnian world.
And yet, I’m an angel.
With rings and chains to the material world, when my soul exists my body I am still just from God.