BRATITTA

The lovely and loveless lessons

Una colección de notas de mi aprendizaje del amor…

Que a veces confundo con lujuria, deseo, impulso, obsesión, capricho, idealismo, ilusión…

first bratitta blog post entry

aí had many fæses

so many words for it
all the ways to explain it

easiest one is:
Nothing will be hard, or impossible, if it’s aligned with your authentic self. Truly.
And of course, that’s the way beyond your ego. From the soul.
The gap between reality and truth.

My ego is not me but I need her with this body, so I go crazy and I let her be. Regardless of how I kill her, no matter how well I plan it; If I judge her punctuation, if I tell her to be enlightened and try to convince her she will be better off gone, if I brainwash her into rejecting all worldly pleasures… she is as resilient as my will to be free. That version becomes her too.
Unable to let go of her. She doesn’t want to die, I now know that she shouldn’t. She can’t.
Resurrecting every time.
Her radiance will always overpower if I try to drown her.
She becomes less harmless the more I allow her.
So, I’ll let her write too fast, kiss the mirror, jump in the water, reach for the stars.
I present her as she is- messy, chaotic, wild, and so loose.
She feels deeply and she’s taken human form. She remembers, but that’s not her job.
Came here to sense The World as it is.
The more I hold her in my arms, the more she allows me to step in when she’s forgotten what life is.
So important, elemental, a true necessity for my existence, and yet, she’s only temporary and she’s not whole without me.

Things I write that I take personally

Villain of My Story

Let’s Start at The Beginning

Now that I’m an adult, I feel trapped in my inner world.
I think it’s clearer than I speak.
I’m learning to say what I mean.
Training myself to be me again.
Reprogramming my fears to be other than.
Silence isn’t survival and loneliness is not
my norm.
Later became never and I’m tired of waiting for a better time.
This is my karma, the things I must face.
I have been broken and my heart shattered, and still, I didn’t end there.
Today, I’m sad at the things I don’t say.
My lesson is to open up in ways that allow my true desires to come to my life.
To ask you for what I need without flinching for talking out loud.
Without walking on eggshells.

It feels like I’m the Villain of My Story, like I got what l deserved.
Truthfully, I can almost tell I’m behaving out of faulted programming.
I was tasked with being resilient, but now, I must be reliant.
On the love of the universe, on the nurturing of my communities.
Thought there was nowhere for me to belong,
I couldn’t voice it either, that’s the secret that keeps me locked.
I needed to hide in order to ensure I would make it out alive.
But now I hide and, instead of safety, all I get is pain.
For blending in so well that I lose myself.
Trying to be a cool girl, all I am is an emotional child.
If you knew my past, maybe it would make sense.
But I don’t ask and I don’t tell.
Stupid things one picks up when threats show up.

I needed to be tough, to be hard, to stay strong.
Forgetting to touch my soul,
to make sense of what was happening,
to listen to my own heartbeat.
I wish I was more honest,
with the world and with myself.
It’s not polite to trauma dump.

I’m drowning from the inside.
Pretending I would be fine.
I will be if I heal my heart.
You have to let it breathe if you want a clean scar.

They’re doing what I asked for. Supporting my heart like I’m an orphan child.
I am, however, an adult girl.

one who chose to engage in situations that I knew would get sticky.
I even questioned them, and still chose them.

It’s funny because everyone knows me, I’ve never been easily quiet. I’ve always been a little itty bit rebellious.
I am asking for sympathy when only I know that what I did to us is beyond my writing.

I hope you always know, there’s no right or reason I hold to tear your story apart.
I have no desire to blame you, although when I’m lonely and my fragile ego takes over I have written like my heart is broken.
If anybody asks, I must uphold your name, if I ever spilled black lies with the acrylic paint, you deserve peace and lightness.

All the love I birthed just for you is yours regardless.

I always think I know what the cards are saying

I behave and move on and reevaluate
I think they ask me to be honest and I spit back my projections.
I’ve been tasked to write a love letter,
it was self-assigned.

How do we gently move on without stabbing more than we have?

I never meant to hurt, I guess I thought it wasn’t going to hurt you.
I am not a helpless little girl,
a young adult perhaps, but I chose my path.
I chose that I wanted to play a fair game on a super shaky space, one I didn’t know before.

It is all fair!
All of it is as fair as my poor behavior, and my best intentions, and my true real love
I recognize that my algorithm spells breakup discourse, content that I never cared to make mine, I like it because my ego thinks I’m defending my heart.

I don’t actually need to, I know that.
I’m also aware that our situation has too many layers and is quite nuanced, even for the witnesses that saw the beginning.

So, why do I go online and exercise my free will like you betrayed me?

To declare someone guilty is a really easy way out.One that, as you might know, I won’t settle for.

I’m not innocent

I don’t need to defend my ego for not getting her desires.
There is no need to protect my fragile made up self, when she breaks she just shifts into a different shape.
My wants and preferences about what I wish I had control over, do not really make me deserving of entitlement.
I don’t say this as an attempt of putting broken glass back into one piece, the piece.
I’m confessing to my sins, because,I too, sinned.
If you’re the villain then, so am I.
In love with mirrors, well, if you were my mirror (even if just for a day) ¿what’s my reflection saying about that?
I write because I can’t help it.
I get hurt and it is life force that pushes me to alchemize my inner world through words.
But, even then I know, that recognizing my projections is just the thinking mind.

I’m a reflective light, you’re the reflection of that light, and the same goes for me.

My wish with this, is not to inflict over your will power.
An open letter to my quiet assumptions, my ego acting up, hoping I can warn myself of something that simply did not require a disclaimer. It must’ve been obvious to me, a game like this, where the heart is tender and my body is naked… ¿Can I really expect it to leave me intact and protected?
When I didn’t even do it like that.

We’ve all been used by God, and it is this truth my radical acceptance as a balm for the suffering.
I do not need to point a finger, to draw a huge diagram of how this was created to harm me, to distort a story so well that I change the reality I’m living in.
Nobody can say anything to me, because I know what I’ve done, I know what you’ve said, and I recognize how our behaviors landed us here.
Even when I’m being “honest”, less than three people can truly see me.
And you, the only one with the point of view of my lover, know how I talk when I’m texting vaguely and how I dance around my feelings. You will be the judge of that world.

I can’t separate myself from our story, it’s my lens and it’s my perspective, but I will try to keep a neutral mind when I wrestle with our ending.
Surrender and Acceptance.