Trust Issues

You hurt me,

and you will do it again.

It’s almost my mantra now that I’ve been aware.

Doesn’t even matter by who or how or what or why or when. 

It’s my showcased pain.

Did I push too far? 

Now this is just proof.

But it’s not.

I know there’s a layer of truth beyond what is visible.

How do I truly move forward?

Can we do this? 

I cry and I get mad,

but I only sooth when I ask you to lie.

Never by choice, but ¿how can I know?

Even implying is worse than asking.

I don’t make it easy when I ask,

or so I’m told,

setting myself up for the pressure I carved out. 

The reality is that I construct stories,

myths of who men are,

but deep down,

I want truth—

Help me understand why.

What you did was done,

I won’t freeze it forever.

But, help me understand,

¿what was the goal? 

Your motives, your desire.

Acceleration,

I think and think and I never relax.

Every time you’ve tried to slow me,

I just push you to go faster.

I want answers, I want them bad,

I need them now.

Pulling the cards so that they tell me,

“Truth”— I claim to want,

the path is not linear,

I could’ve told myself that…

But I didn’t because it felt uncomfortable to be uncertain of what the future would look like.

There’s something I must repair,

there’s a lot I’ve fugged up already,

there are reasons, I tell myself there’s an explanation for my bad behavior,

for my compulsiveness,

for my impulsivity,

and for my fears.

My biggest fear here:

That I’m analyzing my feelings instead of allowing myself to feel them.

That I’m constructing a theory in which it all makes sense— it doesn’t.

That I am ignoring something that I cannot quite see yet.

That I make a mistake, yet again, hoping I can secure a tomorrow like it was yesterday.

Maybe there are,

causes to my effects,

but you’re not at fault for the accumulated luggage I carry as trauma.

 This is the hardest truth,

the one that makes this integration so hard.

I come up with an idea,

a commitment to my love philosophy,

and I tear it apart because it doesn’t make me feel good every time.

That’s how I know it’s the right path.

No guarantees, 

how incredibly difficult to commune with.

Before, I said that this is about God.
The reality is here and it’s not always smooth.
I came here to love and sometimes to be born again, to be shown truth. 

15 de Julio, 2026

14:19 ish

You took away my illusion of control,

the idea that I believed in—

if I asked all the right questions and laid out all the boundaries from the beginning,

I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be ruptured.

How can I be so blind?

I know it’s not my fault, and it’s not yours (but it is), but it’s also mine (¿why?)
and there’s no punishment for how naive I am, but there’s a cost.

I am not at fault for being such a dreamer,

but maybe for trying to fluff reality up.

There was something that fell out of the scope of visions I thought I saw,

again— I don’t wish to put my bleeding wounds on display as permanent reminders of mistakes.
At the end,

I hope and I wish,

to learn, to be transformed, to become a new me.

I will die and I will be reborn.

I wonder if there’s someone out there willing to join my journey, to get in my ride, to cross their heart and pray,

is that commitment?

God Freak,

I trust in my commitment to be faithful to Love,

devotion: I vow.

that no matter what I will let life live me how it wants,

that it will shape me and spit me out anew.

I hold onto my hope that there’s something that will come,

but the truth is now.

So I must choose, and I sometimes choose poorly, but not this time.

Not when I choose love and surrender,

I love you and I love me and even us a little more… but I love this gift of breath and God even more.

Unity.

You know how it goes,

This is not a lesson, but it’s also not for nothing.

My desires and my responsibilities,

my ethics, my very rational-potent-driving fears…

my tender crevices through which my hope escapes,

my faith is my religion, I wonder if I’m culted.

I have issues and abandonment nightmares,

and yet, the chiquilla that rules over my heart, is always so very excited to keep meeting life where it comes at me.

This I don’t know, but there’s so very little I’m certain of—

to be hurt again,

would be a futuristic puzzle that shall ask me to be looked at if it came to that …

to be consumed by my joy and excitement and HOPE and faith and LOVE…

would be nothing but the choice.

more information just means more data to asses my capacity to hold complexity, i guess it’s nothing more.

Today I hope to always look at this reality in the eyes,

whether mine cry from happiness or sadness…

to be in right alignment, in relationship— with the only thing that exists here: present with me;

My proudest accomplishment is to run into God’s world even as I got a blindfold on.

to live, even as I die.

But to live from a place of love, from a place of agreement, from a place of Truth.

.