This is a declaration, a commitment.
As I type, I realize that I know how discipline works but I allow others to not adhere.
Maybe they had bad experiences with rigidity.
I’m always trying to make others comfortable,
to make them feel seen, to provide support,
to enhance their feelings of pleasure by giving something special they can hold as a token.
A lot of times that “special” things is special to me and mundane to them, that is fine. However, it being mundane to them does not mean that there is no need for gratitude.
And gratitude, to me, is a form of energetic flow that must not be contained, wasted, or otherwise hoarded.
Gratitude must be given, it must be gifted freely.
This is not about gratitude, though.
This is about my response to disdain or even just indifference.
To realize I see my worth, and when others don’t see it I walk away.
Except when I don’t.
Except when it feels like others see my worth but sometimes dismiss it.
convenience
The word that stays on my mind.
I try to stay organic and connected to the earth, this is not really about that either.
The convenience of selfishness.
Which is not really about other people either, regardless of my build up.
My ability to prioritize my own care and uphold my own limitations is what this really is trying to say.
I give out of expectation, not always but sometimes.
Trying to enhance love experiences onto people’s lives, ¿what does that cost me?
A lot of times… ¡not much!
Simple energy exchange.
Sometimes, my energy that was already at low, at below threshold.
Here.
This is where I want to stay.
When I over give out of need.
I feel a void, I pour.
I feel a shift, I reach.
Pause.
I stay.
I choose to stay.
With myself beforehand.
My value and my addition to the space.
Allow it to speak for itself.
Without judging outcomes as data on my own capacities.
Without treating feedback as a ranking system.
Without treating me as a service model for best human interactions.
I don’t always do this.
Only when I do.
There is no amount of validation that should cost me myself.
Not enough “love” to neglect my own nervous system.
Interesting.
This is all for me though, to sit with and vow to.
My care.
My tending.
My own self-preservation.
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