I am shedding layers I do not understand,
comprehending is often last to attend.
So much energy that overflows,
directing it is what I am learning.
Unveiling the anxiety behind wanting an answer.
I do not need to go out tonight,
searching for validation that is not here today,
looking for proof that my fears will tear me down,
mastering resilience amidst the breaking of old lives.
Last night I dreamt with a few faces,
often from my past and some present shadows,
thank you to my grandparents for blessing my crown…
I mean my mind, no—
I meant my dreams.
In one.
I am no longer within one version,
there are many of my phaces that are not true in the present.
These dreams have witnessed many transformations,
the falling of many angels.
When I cross the door I know something gets a new frequency,
and that frequency is leaving something else behind.
I have no response to the questions I cannot ask.
My heart knows there is a familiarity that is no longer mine.
I tried to reach for ghosts from the past,
I just wanted comfort,
a place to land that felt like refuge.
Displaced.
Abandoned.
There is a life, somewhere in time, that I wish to build and it can only be founded through a clear slate.
I grieve all the experiences that brought me here.
Whatever happens to me tonight.
Whatever happens to me tonight,
I allow God to use me as it wants.
Whatever I don’t have certainty about, which is everything.
Endings and cycles.
Beginnings that ask me for no permission to become.
That hurt my head—
The emptiness,
the silence,
it is all a new necessity.
I seem to always leave,
or be left,
the many versions of environments through which I have lived.
I let go of that which holds me to the present.
Not to die but to be born.
Trying to meet myself.
Uncovering who I really am.
When I am scared I want to be tucked in at night.
The wilderness within asks me to be without a container tonight.
My black eyeshadow was symbolic.
My heart being open was a vow.
My death is nothing but a threshold.
My hopes are nothing to be married to.
I wish to have no illusions anymore.
The true desire is to be undone.
It is now or never, my love.
I talk to myself like I know I deserve.
Wash it all off me, I must see what remains.
There is a reality,
it is only one,
I want to align with who I am.
No labels, no attachments, no knowing.
I must discover my naked soul.
Give me a dose of my own philosophy.
Taking everything off.
The reflection that remains, I will feel it,
it will be who I am actually.
Timeless and endless.
Across all space.
Beyond time.
Perhaps present.
Undoubtedly essence.
Ultimately, here.
Undeniably.
Effortlessly.
True to me.
True.
By itself.
True.
Without conditions.
True.
Just, true.
uncertain.
No responses yet